9:57 p.m. - 2006-10-16
Part.... 4?
Actually, I didn't see J3sse first. I was chilling with Bubba, and I may have been playing Scrabble with his older brother TJ, when these beautiful kids ran into the house and started playing with Bubba and his siblings.
It must have been at least an hour before Tiffany, Bubba's step-mom said, "Oh, did you know that these are J3sse's kids?" There was such a searing pain inside of me at that moment that I couldn't speak. When I could muster the words, I said, "I thought he was in Arizona?" Tiffany told me that he'd been back in LA for a year, and that he, April, and their kids lived in the same complex.
I was in Bubba's room a few hours later when I heard J3sse enter. I snuck into the bathroom and locked the door, staying until he left. It took me a while before I fessed up to Bub's dad and Tiffany why I couldn't face J3sse.
When I lost his baby, Bubba was just under 2 years old. I couldn't deal with the loss of the baby and J3sse all at once, and I had Bubba to take care of, so I simply buried it. I wrapped it up in a nice, neat little package and filed it away somewhere, not thinking I'd ever need to take it out and open it up again. I mean, since the whole thing with Tom and Amy, I didn't think that he and J3sse would ever make up, and so I was sure I'd never have to see J3sse again.
Boy, was I wrong.
Everytime I looked at his kids, it was an enormous effort to keep from bursting into tears. I was happy that he had such wonderful babies, because that was what he always wanted, but at the same time all I could do was wonder what our baby would have looked like. It ripped me apart inside for months.
Tom told me I was breaking J3sse's heart, not speaking to him, and at first I sharply said, "Well, now he knows how it feels, doesn't it?" Then I softened and said, "I need to deal with this. I never thought I'd have to see him again. I had to take care of my own baby, which meant leaving all of my problems in another dimension. I need time, and then maybe we can be friends again."
There was even one heart-wrenching visit where J3sse confronted me as I was trying to leave in my rental car, his face wrinkled in anguish and eyes bright with tears.
I finally called him one day and told him about the baby. I had gotten as far as I could in the healing process without him, and realized I needed him to know the hell I'd been through for it to finally be done.
Our friendship now is as close as it used to be, only in different ways. Obviously we are older and much wiser in the ways of the world.
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