9:46 p.m. - 2006-10-22
and i used to feel like he was my best friend
I woke up at about 11 this morning and watched my Gi1more Gir1s Netf1ix. E got up, took a bath, and watched some of it with me, and then we watched Ferris Beu11er on TV.
I laid sort of half on him with my head on his chest, and it was nice. He stroked my arm and my hair, kind of massaged my back by poking it (he must have thought he was going to tickle me by doing it, but he continued even when he realized it was making me purr), and then he tickled me on and off. I tickled him back. He tried to wipe his sweaty butt and leg on my leg (he was wearing just a towel), so I pretended to pick my nose and wipe it on his cheek.
I don't know why he doesn't love me. When he's not ignoring me, we have such a great time together. We horse around and have giggle fits. I guess there are some things about him I don't like, but I accept and love him anyways. When I leave, I can easily justify it, not that he will care. I mean, even his ex-wife said that she was ignored, and their relationship lacked passion.
I guess I didn't really understand at first, because the facade was still there when I discovered the letters where she said this. He gave me lots of attention and he seemed pretty passionate to me, so I thought she was just stupid and it was good that she cheated on him and he was man enough to leave her.
Pretty dumb, huh?
The guy who used to pull over to just make out with me will hardly kiss me anymore. I feel like I'm trying to hold down a toddler for kisses when I get them.
I wish that I could take back the things I've let out of my heart. Could I go back to the way I was before I realized I loved him? If I could be distant and unreachable again, really, what would it accomplish?
I'm feeling pretty good these days, but there is an underlying feeling of dread, because I'm afraid this is going to hurt like nothing I've previously felt once it's really over.
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