5:49 p.m. - 2006-10-23
Breaking Point
It amazes me how fast a wonderful and true friend can be made. One of my buddies at school broke up with her boyfriend over the weekend. I had an idea today that if E and I suffered the same fate, she and I could share an apartment. Rent is not so bad here if you have roommates. We could swing a one bed for about 250 each.
This afternoon, I texted E and asked if we were ok. Not long later, I started having an anxiety attack. Not prompted by just relationship stressors, but just everything as a whole kind of came forefront in my mind and hit me at once. I was freezing cold, my lips numb, and shaking all over. A couple of my classmates were alarmed. I texted E again saying I was having an attack and to call me if he could. He's usually great at calming me down when I am having one.
Two hours later I got a text back that read, "I like you. I don't love you and I fear everyday that I never will. I don't want us to be 50 and hating each other."
I replied with, "I wouldn't wait around nearly that long. I hate the way this feels. You used to be my bestfriend and it hurts that it was taken away. Why did you ask me to move here with you? If I had a place to go here I'd be gone."
I went to work and talked to my boss for a long time. She's really great. Then I went outside to smoke, and I called my aforementioned friend, Gr@cie. I told her I was sure it was over, and that we could get an apartment. She said that she and her man worked it out, but to grab my stuff and come over. I'm going to go to their house after work. I guess we're skipping school tomorrow, since I don't have stuff with me to go, and we'll drop by the house to get some of my things.
I don't know what to do, because I know I can't afford a place by myself. Gr@cie told me not to worry about it, we'll talk tonight when I get there. I told her she was wonderful, and asked if she was sure about letting me stay since she hadn't even known me that long. She told me to just shutup and come over, we'll figure everything out.
I still need to talk to E about this, but I am in no shape to do it now, and I think it would be good to have a few days away. I need to collect myself, and he should have some perspective on what it will be like with me gone.
Not that it will matter if he realizes anything when I am gone. If he asks me to stay, and I do, and he winds up doing this again or doing worse down the road, I will look stupid.
A girl's gotta walk away when she still has some dignity left.
I DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.
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